First Rabbi Meeting

The first rabbi meeting went really well. Everyone was so friendly and nice. I instantly felt welcome and the anxiety melted right off.

Rabbi S. started by asking me about myself and I fell very comfortably into conversation, much more so than I usually do, not always being the most articulate of people. She liked that I had picked up on the Jewish tradition of questioning and reinterpreting as well as some of the differences between Conservative and Reform Judaism. It seemed like I'm a bit ahead of the game - that I've prepared appropriately and really put thought into this.

It's not that I didn't think I hadn't thought about it - I have. For a while. It's something I've wanted to do for so long, and over the past few months I've really started to think about how this will affect my life as well. In speaking with Rabbi S., I realized just how much thought I've put into it; just how much I know. And of course, just how much more I still need to know.

What's amazing is that after just that one meeting I already feel more Jewish, more like I can fit in and be part of this community.

Rabbi S. also told me that Reform Jews do not believe that Judaism passes only through the mother - a child is Jewish if one of his/her parents are Jewish and he/she is raised Jewish, regardless of the faith of the other parent. When I told my sister this, she said "A. can have Jewish children then without you having to convert."

This was a strange comment to me. I want to convert. I never said that I was doing it so A. could have Jewish children. But people will hear and believe what they want to believe I guess.

In which A. asks Why I want to become Jewish

Lying in bed, A. and I got to talking, mostly because I'm getting very nervous about the first rabbi meeting. What if she doesn't like me? What if she thinks I'm not prepared?

I asked A. what questions I should ask - she told me to bring questions. Instead of providing me with questions, A. asked a question of his own, not that I should be surprised. He loves asking questions.

"Why do you want to become Jewish? We've never really talked about it."

And I clammed up. This is an extremely personal question, even when asked by my fiance and closest friend. And then I started to panic. What if my answer isn't good enough? And how are you supposed to answer something like that when it's more a pull, a feeling?

But you know what? In discussing such a personal thing with A., it really got me think about why I do want to become Jewish. And even though the conversation made me uncomfortable, it felt good to talk about this with A. and to work through my feelings. I know feel one step closer to becoming a Jew.

Isolation

Now that I finally have an appointment scheduled with a Rabbi, the conversion feels more real. And it's got me thinking. Will my mom and grandparents feel isolated?

I've been reading a lot about the Jewish weddinng ceremony and seeing the bits that the parents of the couple are supposed to participate in, I see that despite my best efforts, my mom will be excluded from things that A.'s parents will not be excluded from. And then this got me thinking about after the marriage, about future children.

Will my mom feel like an outsider at a Bar or Bat Mitzvah? Will my grandparents feel comfortable attending one? Basically I am making decisions that in their very nature will isolate me from my family, from the life in which I was raised.

Conversion is something I've thought about since I was a tween. But these are implications I never gave much thought to. And now that I am, I find them a bit terrifying.

Rejection

I was rejected by the Rabbi I was hoping to work with. Talk about a huge blow. I waited several months for him to return from his sabbatical, only to be told that he was not taking on new converts. And no, this was not the famous Rabbi-hazing you hear about. He was very sincere in his rejection. But this left me with a problem - a time line problem. Suddenly I am feeling the crunch. I have limited time if I want to convert before I get married. Of course, I will still choose conversion regardless, but it is very important to me to start the new stage in my life as a Jew.

The Rabbi did give me some useful information. He suggested some books (which I had already read - teachers pet, I know) and pointed me to Reform Jewish Outreach Boston to sign up for an Intro to Judaism course. The woman who works there is extremely nice and helpful and pointed me to another Rabbi to contact. And told me about the different classes.

Well guess what? I have to wait several months for the classes to start - they do not begin until after the High Holidays. And I have to convince A. to take them with me.

One thing the woman told me was to present the course not as a way for A. to learn more about Judaism, though he probably will, but as a way to support me. And that got me thinking. I probably will need support. Not just to get over this initial feeling of rejection. But also to deal with the changes to my life that are bound to come about as a result of this decision.

Conservative or Reform (Part 2)

I started searching for synagogues. I decided to go with Conservative. I really want A.'s extended family to respect my conversion. Only, there aren't many Conservative synagogues in Boston. And when I sent A. the list, he said he didn't want to attend Conservative services - he wanted a Reform synagogue. He says that is closer to what he grew up with.

In Search of a Reform Temple


I've got to say, the decision to go with a Reform synagogue was a good one. The websites seem friendlier and more inclusive. Several of them even have sections on converting or offer courses/counselling for intermarried couples. And there are so many to choose from. Of course, A. wants to wait until next month before we begin looking into synagogues whereas I just want to get started. But I don't feel comfortable showing up at a synagogue without A. And then, of course, there will be the issue of approaching a Rabbi. Hopefully my social anxiety won't get too much in the way.

Conservative or Reform

How do I decide which type of Judaism to go with? Will my conversion be less respected if I convert through a Reform synagogue versus a Conservative one? Am I shooting myself in the foot by not even considering an Orthodox one?

When trying to find a Christian church, it's not that hard. You can go to different services, see what they are all about, and voila. You have a church. But with Judaism, I don't speak Hebrew. I have no clue what is going on for the majority of a service. So how am I supposed to determine which denomination is the best fit for me?

Growing up my friends all attended a Reform synagogue. But A.'s extended family are all conservative. And his parents are somewhere in between. It's important for them to see my conversion as legitimate.

Choosing Judaism

I like to say that I always knew I would convert. That's not completely true. But from my first experience with Judaism, I was drawn to it and I definitely began to think about conversion from a young age.

When I first met my fiance, A., I told him I was interested in converting. He was skeptical. Saying you are going to do something is very different from actually doing it. Fast forward about 5 years. After spending so much time dating a Jewish man, exploring his religion through family events, and studying holidays and customs so that I would not feel left out, I knew I would convert. It was no longer a matter of if, but rather when.

I picked up a copy of Anita Diamant's Choosing a Jewish Life. This is a great book for anyone considering conversion. I was profoundly affected by this book. But probably the part that affected me the most was the section on Christmas.

I do not view Christmas as a religious holiday. I grew up in a non-religious family. Christmas was a holiday about family, tradition, coming together. The thought of giving it up was heartbreaking.

Despite this, I began encouraging A. to attend synagogue. I started learning to make challah. But little more came of my conversion plans. And A. refused to find a synagogue.

Fast forward 6 more months. When A. proposed, I picked up Choosing a Jewish Life and re-read it. This second reading was different from the first. The first reading, I read more as an outsider looking in. This reading, I read it as an active participant. And then I told A. I would be converting. I have always been drawn to Judaism, and it is finally time to stop dreaming about being Jewish and to actually become Jewish. I want to start my new married life Jewish. And so begins my journey through conversion.