First Rabbi Meeting

The first rabbi meeting went really well. Everyone was so friendly and nice. I instantly felt welcome and the anxiety melted right off.

Rabbi S. started by asking me about myself and I fell very comfortably into conversation, much more so than I usually do, not always being the most articulate of people. She liked that I had picked up on the Jewish tradition of questioning and reinterpreting as well as some of the differences between Conservative and Reform Judaism. It seemed like I'm a bit ahead of the game - that I've prepared appropriately and really put thought into this.

It's not that I didn't think I hadn't thought about it - I have. For a while. It's something I've wanted to do for so long, and over the past few months I've really started to think about how this will affect my life as well. In speaking with Rabbi S., I realized just how much thought I've put into it; just how much I know. And of course, just how much more I still need to know.

What's amazing is that after just that one meeting I already feel more Jewish, more like I can fit in and be part of this community.

Rabbi S. also told me that Reform Jews do not believe that Judaism passes only through the mother - a child is Jewish if one of his/her parents are Jewish and he/she is raised Jewish, regardless of the faith of the other parent. When I told my sister this, she said "A. can have Jewish children then without you having to convert."

This was a strange comment to me. I want to convert. I never said that I was doing it so A. could have Jewish children. But people will hear and believe what they want to believe I guess.

In which A. asks Why I want to become Jewish

Lying in bed, A. and I got to talking, mostly because I'm getting very nervous about the first rabbi meeting. What if she doesn't like me? What if she thinks I'm not prepared?

I asked A. what questions I should ask - she told me to bring questions. Instead of providing me with questions, A. asked a question of his own, not that I should be surprised. He loves asking questions.

"Why do you want to become Jewish? We've never really talked about it."

And I clammed up. This is an extremely personal question, even when asked by my fiance and closest friend. And then I started to panic. What if my answer isn't good enough? And how are you supposed to answer something like that when it's more a pull, a feeling?

But you know what? In discussing such a personal thing with A., it really got me think about why I do want to become Jewish. And even though the conversation made me uncomfortable, it felt good to talk about this with A. and to work through my feelings. I know feel one step closer to becoming a Jew.

Isolation

Now that I finally have an appointment scheduled with a Rabbi, the conversion feels more real. And it's got me thinking. Will my mom and grandparents feel isolated?

I've been reading a lot about the Jewish weddinng ceremony and seeing the bits that the parents of the couple are supposed to participate in, I see that despite my best efforts, my mom will be excluded from things that A.'s parents will not be excluded from. And then this got me thinking about after the marriage, about future children.

Will my mom feel like an outsider at a Bar or Bat Mitzvah? Will my grandparents feel comfortable attending one? Basically I am making decisions that in their very nature will isolate me from my family, from the life in which I was raised.

Conversion is something I've thought about since I was a tween. But these are implications I never gave much thought to. And now that I am, I find them a bit terrifying.